Baguette Magique
by anonwhat
Summary: No one takes the piss out of Draco's wand.


Title: Baguette Magique

Rating: R (for language)

Beta: simeysgirl

A/N: This is what happens when i talk nonsense with simeysgirl. Research for another fic lead me to the discovery that "magic wand" in French is "baguette magique", which had me imagining wizards dueling with baguettes, which simeysgirl insisted must become bread!fic. Et voilà.

* * *

Marching into the house, Draco slammed the door shut behind him with such force it shook in its frame.

"How dare he? That gigantic stupid bastard!" he shouted.

"Calm down, Draco."

"But he- did you hear what- I can't _believe-_ what do you mean _'calm down'!_"

It was supposed to have been a quiet and relaxing Sunday morning. Harry and Draco had simply nipped out to a local café for a cup of tea, but things had gone downhill from the moment they had sat down. An old acquaintance of Draco's had appeared out of nowhere and greeted them a little too urgently, causing Harry to fumble his cup of tea and spill it on the table. Draco had quickly whipped his wand out to clean up the mess. That had been when things _really_ turned nasty.

"He took the piss out of my wand, Harry. My _wand_. No one is allowed to do that."

They moved into the kitchen and Draco placed his poppy seed bun wand carefully on the table. Harry took out his own ciabatta wand and put it down next to Draco's.

"I know, he was a complete tosser. You shouldn't have listened to him," soothed Harry.

Moving over to his boyfriend, Harry put his arms around Draco and pulled him close.

"Besides," he whispered in Draco's ear, "did you see _his_ wand?"

"I know!" Draco pulled back slightly with an amused look on his face. "What wandbaker did he get _that_ thing from?"

Harry smiled, kissed Draco quickly on the lips and then moved away to put the kettle on.

"And anyway, I think your wand really compliments you," commented Harry as he rummaged in the cupboard for some mugs.

"You do?" asked Draco, curious. "How so?" Sitting down at the table, he pulled his wand towards him with one hand and rested his chin in the other, looking at Harry expectantly.

"Well," began Harry, turning around and leaning against the sideboard, "a poppy seed bun is elegant and has a simple, but striking beauty to it. Just like you." He punctuated his statement by sticking his tongue out at Draco.

"And it gets you high?" suggested Draco with a wink.

"Cheeky!"

"I suppose I have to admit that your ciabatta wand is perfect for you, as well."

Harry finished making the teas and placed them on the table. He then picked up his wand and twirled it around dramatically.

"Go on," he said as he gestured with the ciabatta for Draco to continue.

"It's not a complicated bread, but it is interesting, versatile and delicious." Draco held his head high and gave a curt nod.

"You think I'm delicious?" asked Harry with a smirk.

Now it was Draco's turn to stick his tongue out.

"I like this game. Let's do someone else!" Harry bounced up and down on the spot before Draco pulled him down into a chair.

"Well Weasley's is fucking perfect for him," said Draco, sipping his tea.

"Ron's? Why?" Harry thought for a moment. "Cheese twist, right?"

"Yup." Draco nodded. "Unhealthy and round the bend. The only wonder is how he hasn't eaten it yet."

"You're mean," said Harry, while trying not to laugh. "And that's not funny," he attempted between giggles.

"It's funny, because it's true," stated Draco.

"Okay, what about Hermione?"

"I've never really considered her. What wand has she got?" Draco's brow furrowed in thought.

"A cob," Harry stated as he picked up his tea and slurped it.

"Well, there's not much to say about that, is there?" Draco shrugged.

"What do you mean? Why not?"

"It's a bit..." Draco paused, thinking. "...safe," he finished.

"Safe?" repeated Harry.

"Yes. Cobs are a fall-back bread. Not very exciting, but always useful."

"So... what are you implying about Hermione?"

"That she's a boring know-it-all, of course."

"Hey!" cried Harry, getting offended on behalf of his friend. "Hermione is not boring! What about your friends anyway, what's Blaise got? A bloody bread stick?"

"I notice you didn't deny that she's a know-it-all," observed Draco. "And Blaise is strong, but brittle, and a constant stalwart. His bread stick is the epitome of him." Draco raised his chin in a motion of defence.

"Pfft. Fine, fine. What about Pansy?"

Harry abandoned his tea at the table to go in search of biscuits.

"Oh, Pansy. She was born to have a brioche wand; pretentious and unfulfilled," said Draco easily.

Harry, having just taken a large bite of a custard cream, began choking on the biscuit and rushed back to the table to gulp his tea.

They sat quietly for a few minutes. Harry chomping on biscuits while Draco finished the last of his tea before it went cold.

"Hey, what about your old wand!" Harry suddenly announced.

"What about it?" Draco frowned.

"It was a croissant, Draco," said Harry, laughing. "Trust you to have something poncy like that. I'm surprised you didn't get it from a fancy French wandbaker."

"Don't bad mouth my croissant wand," moan Draco. "It _did _help you off Voldemort."

"True," admitted Harry.

"That was quite the sight." Draco's eyes became unfocused as he started to remember. "The most famous duel in history. You with my croissant wand, locked in battle against Voldemort with the granary loaf Elder wand..." Draco trailed off.

After a minute of silence Harry waved his hand up and down in front of Draco's face. When he got no reaction he snapped his fingers.

"Come back to me, Draco," he said. "Come back to me."

"What?" Draco abruptly snapped out of his daydream, his attention back on Harry. "Oh, I'd love another cup of tea."

Harry rolled his eyes and went to put the kettle on.

- End -


End file.
